I was on "vacation" last week and I definitely let everything slide. Not just course-work and reading, but also the following of "the plan." It's hard to make sweeping changes, even when I know they are positive. It's so similar to dieting or quitting smoking or any of the things we know we should do to be happier and healthier.
This leads me to today. Today I'm struggling with what I need to do and what my immediate gratification needs are. I realize that my greatest desire is to have more freedom. For most of my life, security was what I longed for. I have always worked. Since I was 12, I have worked so I could have freedom because at the time, freedom was money. Because, at the time, having money meant I could buy the things I wanted. Now I don't want to buy. I don't want things. I want time. That's the shift.
I think part of this comes from the hard-earned knowledge that security is fleeting and unreliable. Last year, I helped nurse one of my best friends through horrible cancer treatments. This year, I am gearing up to do it again for another friend. I'm starting to consider my hours spent at work to be wasted hours. Not only do I face my own mortality every time a friend falls ill or falls down or gets in a car accident, I also face my fear that I'm wasting the few precious years I may have left. Hell, it could just be a few precious hours! I literally could be hit by a car today, or a crazy person on McAllister could stab me in the neck (it happens here!) I am not going to live in fear, but I also don't want to live in this limbo I'm in now.
It's not that I don't want to work. I can derive great pleasure and satisfaction from work. It's not that I want to eschew all material goods. I just bought a necklace yesterday because the design touched me and the pleasure I receive from owning and wearing it will be worth it. It was a well-considered purchase and I don't regret it. I didn't buy it to fill a hole, I bought it because I admire the craft and the beauty. This is a shift in my values.
I have slipped during the past few days. I have been buying coffee and lunch again at work and when on vacation, I wasn't as frugal as I could have been. I can see that this is my reaction to stress. I am stressed about my mother's health. I am stressed about my friends and their suffering and struggles. I am stressed about this class and my homework and timeline and the Statistics class I'm also taking. And worst of all, I am stressed about being in a job I don't like.
I have to find the balance again. February was a good month for me in terms of making the "right" choices and I felt good. I have to get back to it.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
It's okay to say yes and thank you
This blog is starting to move away from the academic needs of my project, but I think that's okay. If this semester is about learning, I'm definitely doing that!
Today I met a friend for lunch. This is a friend I don't know very well, but she was in the neighborhood of my work and the timing was good. We sat and chatted about things, it was very nice. When the bill came (it was modest, $20 for two people,) she offered to pay. My first instinct was to absolutely NOT let that happen. I'm always the one who picks up the check, mostly out of generosity and gratefulness that my friends are around me. But, I can be honest. Some of it is insecurity and the hope that someone might like me just a little bit more because I happened to pay for their food.
I first said, "Oh, you don't have to do that! I have cash!" but then she offered again and I stopped myself. I felt two things: 1. I should accept generosity just as often as I am generous. 2. my friend will not think any less of me for "letting" her pay.
I like the concept of reciprocity when it comes to picking up the check. Obviously, nobody likes a mooch, but nobody expects one person to pick up the check every time either. It was okay for me to accept this gift from my friend. In some ways it was an exercise in accepting abundance for today. I also had to accept that I am worthy company and it's not a sign of weakness or even being cheap if I allow someone else to pay now and then.
Letting go of not always paying is a tricky one for me, but when I think about it, I understand why it's important.
Today I met a friend for lunch. This is a friend I don't know very well, but she was in the neighborhood of my work and the timing was good. We sat and chatted about things, it was very nice. When the bill came (it was modest, $20 for two people,) she offered to pay. My first instinct was to absolutely NOT let that happen. I'm always the one who picks up the check, mostly out of generosity and gratefulness that my friends are around me. But, I can be honest. Some of it is insecurity and the hope that someone might like me just a little bit more because I happened to pay for their food.
I first said, "Oh, you don't have to do that! I have cash!" but then she offered again and I stopped myself. I felt two things: 1. I should accept generosity just as often as I am generous. 2. my friend will not think any less of me for "letting" her pay.
I like the concept of reciprocity when it comes to picking up the check. Obviously, nobody likes a mooch, but nobody expects one person to pick up the check every time either. It was okay for me to accept this gift from my friend. In some ways it was an exercise in accepting abundance for today. I also had to accept that I am worthy company and it's not a sign of weakness or even being cheap if I allow someone else to pay now and then.
Letting go of not always paying is a tricky one for me, but when I think about it, I understand why it's important.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Not about money
After our last class meeting, I have been thinking more about "happiness" and figuring out what might be my intersection of happiness and productivity. And by "productivity," I mean making a living wage.
I haven't done the full Venn Diagram yet, but in a conversation with a friend this evening, I point blank said what my ideal life would be like. I would be making jewelry and going on extensive road trips. I don't want a big house or a fancier car or just about any major material product. I want security in my health coverage, the ability to pay my most basic bills, and the freedom/time to pursue the two activities I most enjoy. Of course, since I don't have a patron, my next step is figuring out how to make an income doing my two favorite things. There are plenty of people who make a living selling jewelry, just as there are people who make a living doing travel. Can I combine the two? Can I alternate between the two? What kinds of resources can I locate that might help me figure out how to get paid for travel?
I also faced my massive fear while talking with my friend. My biggest fear is facing my 70 year old self in the future and having her be angry at the 42 year old me who didn't stay in a job just 3 more years so she would be vested in the pension plan. I don't consider myself unduly impulsive, but right now, the thought of 3 more years of my current job cause me great sadness. I wanted to say "despair" but that would be a misuse of the term and an insult to people who are truly suffering. I also live with a healthy awareness that every day is a gift and I need to find the balance between honoring what my soul thinks I need NOW while trying to be a responsible steward for the potential future me. It's a common thought, to consider that if I died tomorrow, would I be happy with how my life went? Right now, no. I would have regret that I'm stagnating and that I'm not living up to my potential in my current work.
With these thoughts come a responsibility to myself to work harder on my goals. I need to define them better and plan in a more concrete way. If not now, when?
I haven't done the full Venn Diagram yet, but in a conversation with a friend this evening, I point blank said what my ideal life would be like. I would be making jewelry and going on extensive road trips. I don't want a big house or a fancier car or just about any major material product. I want security in my health coverage, the ability to pay my most basic bills, and the freedom/time to pursue the two activities I most enjoy. Of course, since I don't have a patron, my next step is figuring out how to make an income doing my two favorite things. There are plenty of people who make a living selling jewelry, just as there are people who make a living doing travel. Can I combine the two? Can I alternate between the two? What kinds of resources can I locate that might help me figure out how to get paid for travel?
I also faced my massive fear while talking with my friend. My biggest fear is facing my 70 year old self in the future and having her be angry at the 42 year old me who didn't stay in a job just 3 more years so she would be vested in the pension plan. I don't consider myself unduly impulsive, but right now, the thought of 3 more years of my current job cause me great sadness. I wanted to say "despair" but that would be a misuse of the term and an insult to people who are truly suffering. I also live with a healthy awareness that every day is a gift and I need to find the balance between honoring what my soul thinks I need NOW while trying to be a responsible steward for the potential future me. It's a common thought, to consider that if I died tomorrow, would I be happy with how my life went? Right now, no. I would have regret that I'm stagnating and that I'm not living up to my potential in my current work.
With these thoughts come a responsibility to myself to work harder on my goals. I need to define them better and plan in a more concrete way. If not now, when?
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