catching up and falling behind

I was on "vacation" last week and I definitely let everything slide. Not just course-work and reading, but also the following of "the plan." It's hard to make sweeping changes, even when I know they are positive. It's so similar to dieting or quitting smoking or any of the things we know we should do to be happier and healthier.

This leads me to today. Today I'm struggling with what I need to do and what my immediate gratification needs are. I realize that my greatest desire is to have more freedom. For most of my life, security was what I longed for. I have always worked. Since I was 12, I have worked so I could have freedom because at the time, freedom was money. Because, at the time, having money meant I could buy the things I wanted. Now I don't want to buy. I don't want things. I want time. That's the shift.

I think part of this comes from the hard-earned knowledge that security is fleeting and unreliable. Last year, I helped nurse one of my best friends through horrible cancer treatments. This year, I am gearing up to do it again for another friend. I'm starting to consider my hours spent at work to be wasted hours. Not only do I face my own mortality every time a friend falls ill or falls down or gets in a car accident, I also face my fear that I'm wasting the few precious years I may have left. Hell, it could just be a few precious hours! I literally could be hit by a car today, or a crazy person on McAllister could stab me in the neck (it happens here!) I am not going to live in fear, but I also don't want to live in this limbo I'm in now.

It's not that I don't want to work. I can derive great pleasure and satisfaction from work. It's not that I want to eschew all material goods. I just bought a necklace yesterday because the design touched me and the pleasure I receive from owning and wearing it will be worth it. It was a well-considered purchase and I don't regret it. I didn't buy it to fill a hole, I bought it because I admire the craft and the beauty. This is a shift in my values.

I have slipped during the past few days. I have been buying coffee and lunch again at work and when on vacation, I wasn't as frugal as I could have been. I can see that this is my reaction to stress. I am stressed about my mother's health. I am stressed about my friends and their suffering and struggles. I am stressed about this class and my homework and timeline and the Statistics class I'm also taking. And worst of all, I am stressed about being in a job I don't like.

I have to find the balance again. February was a good month for me in terms of making the "right" choices and I felt good. I have to get back to it.