I feel like I have ruminated on quite a bit through my writings here. My project involved a lot of internal work, I didn't feel like I could really get to the "meat" of anything as far as steps to complete my work. The reading and research was fairly easy and very informative. The compiling of personal data wasn't much of a challenge either. The work I did was mental and emotional. How do I quantify that in a presentation?
I'm really not sure how to explain what it felt like to pick up an expensive wedge of cheese, look at the price, figure out my "life units" and put it back. It felt very strange. It felt like I was denying the little girl in me something she really wanted. I have had many many moments like this.
Part of the issue is the very common trap of, "I work hard to make money, so I should be able to spend that money on things I want." Of course, by truly analyzing my "wants" I can see that it's not serving my true needs. My true needs are more about time and my future. Another lipstick will not help me with anything. An expensive wedge of cheese is unhealthy as well as completely unnecessary. It doesn't even offer much temporary happiness, it's just another bad habit I picked up as my income went up.
The issues that truly get me down in life revolve around my work schedule and spending so much time on something that is unsatisfying. The answer is out there for me, it's right in front of me, but the changes and choices I have to make are complicated and emotionally difficult.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Downshifting vs. Voluntary Simplicity
Getting into the real research details of my project, I'm learning that there are two designations (at least) when it comes to changing spending habits. There are "downshifters" and "new frugality" or "voluntary simplicity". It's not too hard to learn the differences. Downshifting is probably what I'm doing, although the demographics for this category tend to skew older. Downshifter philosophy tends to lean towards having a more enriching life, having more time to spend with loved ones, and finding a budget and lifestyle that is more in tune with those values. Voluntary Simplicity is almost spartan living. Truly minimizing possessions, to the point of hardly owning anything. While a downshifter might drive an older car, someone following Voluntary Simplicity would not own a car at all, relying on walking, biking, and public transportation as needed.
I like the concept of Voluntary Simplicity. There is a communal feeling to the lifestyle that I appreciate, but in a lot of ways, it does separate people from their old friends. A new community can develop, but it's hard to have an average social life if you have no car and don't pay for dinners out or movies. This is the point where you would need to seek out Simple Living peers, because they are the only ones who would truly support and understand what you are doing. For this reason, Downshifting appeals to me more. I can remain in my community and easily maintain friendships and connections. I feel like I can make more choices, rather than rejecting everything I have come to know in my life.
There is a lot of appeal to the Voluntary Simplicity movement, but in my current living situation, it would be impossible.
I like the concept of Voluntary Simplicity. There is a communal feeling to the lifestyle that I appreciate, but in a lot of ways, it does separate people from their old friends. A new community can develop, but it's hard to have an average social life if you have no car and don't pay for dinners out or movies. This is the point where you would need to seek out Simple Living peers, because they are the only ones who would truly support and understand what you are doing. For this reason, Downshifting appeals to me more. I can remain in my community and easily maintain friendships and connections. I feel like I can make more choices, rather than rejecting everything I have come to know in my life.
There is a lot of appeal to the Voluntary Simplicity movement, but in my current living situation, it would be impossible.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Sliding back even farther
Already this month, I feel the pull of how I used to be. Spending money relieves my stress. Seeing money in my checking account seems to be a trigger for me to spend. I still get caught up in using my money for instant gratification rather than the future. It's obviously a deep problem, and not just with me.
My biggest spending seems to be on food, which doesn't surprise me. Although I enjoy cooking, I'm not good at meal planning and I also default to take-out food after a long day at work. It takes a lot of energy and preparation to have meals ready to go each day. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm single, so I feel like I have more freedom. That would make sense, but it's not great for me in the long run.
While starting to pull my monthly budgets for comparison, I can see that I made really drastic cuts in February, and then some old habits crept back up in March, and now this first week of April. Just because I'm more aware, it doesn't mean that the mental changes I need to make are easy.
My biggest spending seems to be on food, which doesn't surprise me. Although I enjoy cooking, I'm not good at meal planning and I also default to take-out food after a long day at work. It takes a lot of energy and preparation to have meals ready to go each day. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm single, so I feel like I have more freedom. That would make sense, but it's not great for me in the long run.
While starting to pull my monthly budgets for comparison, I can see that I made really drastic cuts in February, and then some old habits crept back up in March, and now this first week of April. Just because I'm more aware, it doesn't mean that the mental changes I need to make are easy.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Setbacks, but not too set back
The main, final goal of the Financial Integrity plan is stash away enough savings in an interest bearing type of account so you can live (frugally) off the interest. For many people, this can take a decade or more, and that is fine. The point is, there is a goal, it's a hugely motivating goal, and it will keep you on track.
So, I have analyzed my spending habits. I have budgeted tighter than ever and realized it's not such a huge pain in the ass and it can actually be quite satisfying. I have paid off all revolving debt and am left with the larger debt of a car loan and my student loans. To do this within 3 months is huge for me, and it shows that I have a lot more room to "play" with my budget than I thought. Phase 2 is coming on now where I move in with my boyfriend, but rather than find a larger space for both of us, we are both minimizing our lives and staying in his inexpensive 1 bedroom. We both have fears about this because it's a small space and it's not the most pleasant place to live. The money saved will make it worth it, though, if only for a year or two.
Now that those plans are underway and the calculations are done, I see that I am still very far from the ultimate goal of the program. I don't know how to handle this information because I took this on with a real sense of urgency and now it feels like I'm still stuck in my current situation for many years to come. I have to increase my savings and eliminate about $40,000 total in debt before I'm truly DOING IT and I don't know how I'm going to stick out my current job for that long. It's never as easy as finding a new job, both because of the current economy and also because if I'm just jumping from one situation to another similar situation, what's the point?
As I try to not be disheartened by this realization, I am focusing on the good. By researching the rise of modern marketing and the creation of consumer culture, I feel like I've broken (mostly) free from a really horrible cycle. My goals of lessening my imprint on the earth, of minimizing my contribution to worldwide labor abuses, and of mindlessly giving my money to false promisers, have all been met. The changes are happening, even if they are too slow for my taste.
So, I have analyzed my spending habits. I have budgeted tighter than ever and realized it's not such a huge pain in the ass and it can actually be quite satisfying. I have paid off all revolving debt and am left with the larger debt of a car loan and my student loans. To do this within 3 months is huge for me, and it shows that I have a lot more room to "play" with my budget than I thought. Phase 2 is coming on now where I move in with my boyfriend, but rather than find a larger space for both of us, we are both minimizing our lives and staying in his inexpensive 1 bedroom. We both have fears about this because it's a small space and it's not the most pleasant place to live. The money saved will make it worth it, though, if only for a year or two.
Now that those plans are underway and the calculations are done, I see that I am still very far from the ultimate goal of the program. I don't know how to handle this information because I took this on with a real sense of urgency and now it feels like I'm still stuck in my current situation for many years to come. I have to increase my savings and eliminate about $40,000 total in debt before I'm truly DOING IT and I don't know how I'm going to stick out my current job for that long. It's never as easy as finding a new job, both because of the current economy and also because if I'm just jumping from one situation to another similar situation, what's the point?
As I try to not be disheartened by this realization, I am focusing on the good. By researching the rise of modern marketing and the creation of consumer culture, I feel like I've broken (mostly) free from a really horrible cycle. My goals of lessening my imprint on the earth, of minimizing my contribution to worldwide labor abuses, and of mindlessly giving my money to false promisers, have all been met. The changes are happening, even if they are too slow for my taste.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
catching up and falling behind
I was on "vacation" last week and I definitely let everything slide. Not just course-work and reading, but also the following of "the plan." It's hard to make sweeping changes, even when I know they are positive. It's so similar to dieting or quitting smoking or any of the things we know we should do to be happier and healthier.
This leads me to today. Today I'm struggling with what I need to do and what my immediate gratification needs are. I realize that my greatest desire is to have more freedom. For most of my life, security was what I longed for. I have always worked. Since I was 12, I have worked so I could have freedom because at the time, freedom was money. Because, at the time, having money meant I could buy the things I wanted. Now I don't want to buy. I don't want things. I want time. That's the shift.
I think part of this comes from the hard-earned knowledge that security is fleeting and unreliable. Last year, I helped nurse one of my best friends through horrible cancer treatments. This year, I am gearing up to do it again for another friend. I'm starting to consider my hours spent at work to be wasted hours. Not only do I face my own mortality every time a friend falls ill or falls down or gets in a car accident, I also face my fear that I'm wasting the few precious years I may have left. Hell, it could just be a few precious hours! I literally could be hit by a car today, or a crazy person on McAllister could stab me in the neck (it happens here!) I am not going to live in fear, but I also don't want to live in this limbo I'm in now.
It's not that I don't want to work. I can derive great pleasure and satisfaction from work. It's not that I want to eschew all material goods. I just bought a necklace yesterday because the design touched me and the pleasure I receive from owning and wearing it will be worth it. It was a well-considered purchase and I don't regret it. I didn't buy it to fill a hole, I bought it because I admire the craft and the beauty. This is a shift in my values.
I have slipped during the past few days. I have been buying coffee and lunch again at work and when on vacation, I wasn't as frugal as I could have been. I can see that this is my reaction to stress. I am stressed about my mother's health. I am stressed about my friends and their suffering and struggles. I am stressed about this class and my homework and timeline and the Statistics class I'm also taking. And worst of all, I am stressed about being in a job I don't like.
I have to find the balance again. February was a good month for me in terms of making the "right" choices and I felt good. I have to get back to it.
This leads me to today. Today I'm struggling with what I need to do and what my immediate gratification needs are. I realize that my greatest desire is to have more freedom. For most of my life, security was what I longed for. I have always worked. Since I was 12, I have worked so I could have freedom because at the time, freedom was money. Because, at the time, having money meant I could buy the things I wanted. Now I don't want to buy. I don't want things. I want time. That's the shift.
I think part of this comes from the hard-earned knowledge that security is fleeting and unreliable. Last year, I helped nurse one of my best friends through horrible cancer treatments. This year, I am gearing up to do it again for another friend. I'm starting to consider my hours spent at work to be wasted hours. Not only do I face my own mortality every time a friend falls ill or falls down or gets in a car accident, I also face my fear that I'm wasting the few precious years I may have left. Hell, it could just be a few precious hours! I literally could be hit by a car today, or a crazy person on McAllister could stab me in the neck (it happens here!) I am not going to live in fear, but I also don't want to live in this limbo I'm in now.
It's not that I don't want to work. I can derive great pleasure and satisfaction from work. It's not that I want to eschew all material goods. I just bought a necklace yesterday because the design touched me and the pleasure I receive from owning and wearing it will be worth it. It was a well-considered purchase and I don't regret it. I didn't buy it to fill a hole, I bought it because I admire the craft and the beauty. This is a shift in my values.
I have slipped during the past few days. I have been buying coffee and lunch again at work and when on vacation, I wasn't as frugal as I could have been. I can see that this is my reaction to stress. I am stressed about my mother's health. I am stressed about my friends and their suffering and struggles. I am stressed about this class and my homework and timeline and the Statistics class I'm also taking. And worst of all, I am stressed about being in a job I don't like.
I have to find the balance again. February was a good month for me in terms of making the "right" choices and I felt good. I have to get back to it.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
It's okay to say yes and thank you
This blog is starting to move away from the academic needs of my project, but I think that's okay. If this semester is about learning, I'm definitely doing that!
Today I met a friend for lunch. This is a friend I don't know very well, but she was in the neighborhood of my work and the timing was good. We sat and chatted about things, it was very nice. When the bill came (it was modest, $20 for two people,) she offered to pay. My first instinct was to absolutely NOT let that happen. I'm always the one who picks up the check, mostly out of generosity and gratefulness that my friends are around me. But, I can be honest. Some of it is insecurity and the hope that someone might like me just a little bit more because I happened to pay for their food.
I first said, "Oh, you don't have to do that! I have cash!" but then she offered again and I stopped myself. I felt two things: 1. I should accept generosity just as often as I am generous. 2. my friend will not think any less of me for "letting" her pay.
I like the concept of reciprocity when it comes to picking up the check. Obviously, nobody likes a mooch, but nobody expects one person to pick up the check every time either. It was okay for me to accept this gift from my friend. In some ways it was an exercise in accepting abundance for today. I also had to accept that I am worthy company and it's not a sign of weakness or even being cheap if I allow someone else to pay now and then.
Letting go of not always paying is a tricky one for me, but when I think about it, I understand why it's important.
Today I met a friend for lunch. This is a friend I don't know very well, but she was in the neighborhood of my work and the timing was good. We sat and chatted about things, it was very nice. When the bill came (it was modest, $20 for two people,) she offered to pay. My first instinct was to absolutely NOT let that happen. I'm always the one who picks up the check, mostly out of generosity and gratefulness that my friends are around me. But, I can be honest. Some of it is insecurity and the hope that someone might like me just a little bit more because I happened to pay for their food.
I first said, "Oh, you don't have to do that! I have cash!" but then she offered again and I stopped myself. I felt two things: 1. I should accept generosity just as often as I am generous. 2. my friend will not think any less of me for "letting" her pay.
I like the concept of reciprocity when it comes to picking up the check. Obviously, nobody likes a mooch, but nobody expects one person to pick up the check every time either. It was okay for me to accept this gift from my friend. In some ways it was an exercise in accepting abundance for today. I also had to accept that I am worthy company and it's not a sign of weakness or even being cheap if I allow someone else to pay now and then.
Letting go of not always paying is a tricky one for me, but when I think about it, I understand why it's important.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Not about money
After our last class meeting, I have been thinking more about "happiness" and figuring out what might be my intersection of happiness and productivity. And by "productivity," I mean making a living wage.
I haven't done the full Venn Diagram yet, but in a conversation with a friend this evening, I point blank said what my ideal life would be like. I would be making jewelry and going on extensive road trips. I don't want a big house or a fancier car or just about any major material product. I want security in my health coverage, the ability to pay my most basic bills, and the freedom/time to pursue the two activities I most enjoy. Of course, since I don't have a patron, my next step is figuring out how to make an income doing my two favorite things. There are plenty of people who make a living selling jewelry, just as there are people who make a living doing travel. Can I combine the two? Can I alternate between the two? What kinds of resources can I locate that might help me figure out how to get paid for travel?
I also faced my massive fear while talking with my friend. My biggest fear is facing my 70 year old self in the future and having her be angry at the 42 year old me who didn't stay in a job just 3 more years so she would be vested in the pension plan. I don't consider myself unduly impulsive, but right now, the thought of 3 more years of my current job cause me great sadness. I wanted to say "despair" but that would be a misuse of the term and an insult to people who are truly suffering. I also live with a healthy awareness that every day is a gift and I need to find the balance between honoring what my soul thinks I need NOW while trying to be a responsible steward for the potential future me. It's a common thought, to consider that if I died tomorrow, would I be happy with how my life went? Right now, no. I would have regret that I'm stagnating and that I'm not living up to my potential in my current work.
With these thoughts come a responsibility to myself to work harder on my goals. I need to define them better and plan in a more concrete way. If not now, when?
I haven't done the full Venn Diagram yet, but in a conversation with a friend this evening, I point blank said what my ideal life would be like. I would be making jewelry and going on extensive road trips. I don't want a big house or a fancier car or just about any major material product. I want security in my health coverage, the ability to pay my most basic bills, and the freedom/time to pursue the two activities I most enjoy. Of course, since I don't have a patron, my next step is figuring out how to make an income doing my two favorite things. There are plenty of people who make a living selling jewelry, just as there are people who make a living doing travel. Can I combine the two? Can I alternate between the two? What kinds of resources can I locate that might help me figure out how to get paid for travel?
I also faced my massive fear while talking with my friend. My biggest fear is facing my 70 year old self in the future and having her be angry at the 42 year old me who didn't stay in a job just 3 more years so she would be vested in the pension plan. I don't consider myself unduly impulsive, but right now, the thought of 3 more years of my current job cause me great sadness. I wanted to say "despair" but that would be a misuse of the term and an insult to people who are truly suffering. I also live with a healthy awareness that every day is a gift and I need to find the balance between honoring what my soul thinks I need NOW while trying to be a responsible steward for the potential future me. It's a common thought, to consider that if I died tomorrow, would I be happy with how my life went? Right now, no. I would have regret that I'm stagnating and that I'm not living up to my potential in my current work.
With these thoughts come a responsibility to myself to work harder on my goals. I need to define them better and plan in a more concrete way. If not now, when?
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