The Big Trigger

I started the working title of my project with the following: "78 Lipsticks. . ." and this is no joke. I own at LEAST 78 lipsticks. Some are different colors in make up pallettes, some are glosses, some are even vintage, but it doesn't matter. This is more lip color than I will ever use. Looking for an ironic note? I don't even like wearing lipstick! I once read that the average woman EATS more than a tube of lipstick per year because, of course, the lipstick comes off on food and drink and down it goes.

So, to me, lipstick represents something other than just fun make up. It represents a promise that I'll look more beautiful. It represents that I acknowledge all the marketing that goes into selling make up to me. Show me a 17 year old super model with glowing, perfect plump pink lips and I genuinely believe that a part of my brain thinks I will look just like her if I just spend the $18 on this petroleum product. Again, remember that I DON'T EVEN LIKE WEARING LIPSTICK!

I think I mentioned that I don't like wearing lipstick yet I just checked my purse and I have 10 tubes in there. I have to laugh, it makes no sense! And with this realization comes the understanding that I have a big trigger. I am insecure. As I age, I become ever more insecure about the superficial. I am surrounded by a lot of love, but still, I worry. I worry about my skin and my eyes and, yes, my lips. I also succumb to the notion that "I work hard, I deserve pampering."

This all comes about because I get regular emails from Sephora, a make up superstore. I'm such a good customer, I get special offers all the time, offers of "free" items that aren't really free because they require a purchase of anywhere from $25 to $50. I just got one today. Immediately, I wanted to buy something, anything, so I could take advantage of the "free" offer. I spent several minutes mentally going through my cabinets, trying to think of something I "needed" and the truth is, I don't need anything from there. While lipstick is what I used to illustrate my problem, beauty products in general are the real culprit. I have shelves over-flowing with eye shadows and creams and soaps and scents, most things I can't even be bothered to use regularly. I'm the perfect target because I'm never quite satisfied with the results so I'm always looking for more, better, stronger, prettier. It's a search I'm never going to satisfy because it's all smoke and mirrors. My aging isn't going to stop. My lips will never look like a 17 year old's. I spend so much money on a huge category of product that is almost completely worthless.

Nobody ever remembers me as "that woman with the great eye shadow." People remember me as "that funny woman," or "that generous woman," or even, sometimes, "that confident woman." That should be enough.